You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
