I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
