hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
