Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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