Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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