You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
