Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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