Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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