do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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