so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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