Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
