You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
