she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
