My cat gives me a boner
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
