Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
