Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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