i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
