there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
