Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
That accounts for only three of the penises
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
