you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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