He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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