a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
