Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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