You made me cry and you don't even care
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I need moral support for this bender
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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