I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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