Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
