happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
