my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
