i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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