We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
