i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
