dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
