my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I take back everything I said about communal showers
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
