Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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