The maid of honor just puked.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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