I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
