I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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