My room smells like vodka and shame
Don't make out with my wife yet
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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