apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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