He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
