they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
