Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
