Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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