dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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