i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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