remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
