even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
