"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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