4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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