she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
