I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
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