Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
