Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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