i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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